Everything We Had
by Pachow
Summary: It was amazing, how Craig Manning could still break her heart, even though he was so faraway, she would think. Imagine what hell would befall her when he came back. Set a year after WiFLTBAG. [CrAsh  slight CrEllie]
1. Only Face I'd Ever Known

**A/N: I have never been good with multi-chapter fics. I often get bored with them within a couple chapters or get writer's block. But, despite my short attention span and temperamental muse, I decided to start a multi-chaper fic though it is probably going to be more on the short side. I was inspired by the song 'Everything We Had' by Academy Is and watching WIFLTBAG way too many times. **

**Disclaimer: Degrassi is not mine. Neither are the lyrics in this chapter which are Academy Is's from their song 'Everything We Had'. **

_You were the only face I'd ever known _

_I was the light from the lamp on the floor _

It did not matter how many times he wrote each note.

She would never write back.

It was awful, really. Every day he would wait for the mail to be brought in and he would wait outside his room, for the receptionist to bring the mail. Every morning, the poor nurse handed him his letters, and he pawed through them, anxiousness and hope radiating off of him. It was the hopeful look in his eyes that was the worse, the way he would look at the receptionist when she came toward his room. She knew what he was waiting for. She also knew that it seemed as if what he was waiting for was never going to come. The receptionist often had trouble feeling sorry for those who got themselves landed at the rehab center. But, there was something about that hopeful look in his large, almost puppy-like eyes that made her want to wrap her arms around him and tell him that it was okay that the girl never wrote him back, that she was horrible and he should not think of her ever again.

"Gooood Morning, Ms. Beaumont. Don't you think it is a great morning? I have a feeling that today is going to be a great day, don't you?" he said, greeting the receptionist with that wide, hopeful grin that he greeted her with every morning. His arms swung at his sides. Ms. Beaumont knew it was taking him an amazing amount of self restraint to keep him from jumping onto her and grabbing the letters.

She forced a smile and handed him his small stack of letters. Within seconds, he was tearing through each letter, scanning it, then throwing it over his shoulder. With every letter, his wide grin seemed to bit by bit shrink until he got to the last one. He glanced at the address, trying to figure out whose handwriting it was. It looked so much like hers. His wide, child-like eyes seemed to glow with excitement as he ripped the letter open, praying that it _was_ her.

Ms. Beaumont watched him, hoping that for the poor boy's sake, it was the letter he was waiting for.

A minute passed in silence. He stood in the hall, gripping the letter, staring at the paper. The receptionist looked upon the boy with worry. "Sweetie," she began, placing her hand on his shoulder. He did not respond. He barely seemed to register that she had touched him. "Uh. . . Craig?" she continued. She felt him begin to tremble under her touch. Her eyes widened as she lifted her hand. She was not the type of person who was good with things like this; things being trembling, lovesick teenage boys. She backed away.

"Craig, hun, are you okay?"

Craig Manning hated it when people asked that question, especially when they knew the answer. He was obviously very not okay. He was the very epitome of not okay yet this woman had the gall to ask if he was, as if to rub his lack of okay in his face. The musician glared at the letter as if it had insulted him, which he felt it had. Tricking him into thinking it _was_ her handwriting and that _she_ had been the one who wrote the letter.

"Fine. Perfectly fine. Never been better," he spat, his sarcastic words seeming to destroy all sympathy that she had been building up for the boy. She sighed, muttering to herself about what a horrible idea it was to take a job at a rehab center and stomped off, leaving the poor boy by himself in the empty, empty hall.

He stood there. Not moving. Unable to think thoughts that did not revolve around Ellie, the girl who he should not even think about, the girl who would never write him a letter. And, finally, poor Craig could not hold it in any longer. Tears that had threatened to spill ever since he realized that maybe, just maybe, she had someone else and that she really, truly did not love him anymore, finally made there way down his cheeks as he yanked the door of his room open, and slammed it loudly behind him, leaving the letter on the floor.

Maybe this was God's cruel way of punishing for what he had done.

Maybe he did deserve this.

But, despite how deserving of this punishment Craig might be, he could not help but feel as if was beyond a little brutal.

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She often wondered if it was bad that she could not go a day without thinking about him.

He had been so awful to her in the past. Heartbreak after heartbreak, lie after lie, broken promise after broken promise; she should not think about him. She should not wonder if he was okay or if he was still in rehab. Yet, she did. All the time. She could not tell anyone how much she thought about him. They would shake their heads and mutter about how she should be over him by now and how he had broken her heart and put her through hell time and time again.

And, the worst part about the whole entire thing was that thoughts involving Craig always seemed to pop into her head when she was around him. _Her _him. The one she was actually in a relationship with. Whenever they kissed, she could not help but think about Craig, wondering if he had met someone in rehab.

She would often wonder if it had been a good idea, letting him go. Leaving him. Was this constant longing to hear his voice, to talk to him, to even look at him some kind of punishment for leaving him? Would everything be better if she hadn't? Thoughts like these refused to leave her head, despite the fact that she kept trying to tell herself that she did not love Craig, she did not have any feelings for him other than hatred for what he had done to her.

She had realized it was so easy to lie to herself. To convince herself that she did not love that troublemaker during those periods of time that he did not constantly plague her thoughts. She had done so well convincing herself that she really loved the one she was with.

"Ash, are you okay?" Jimmy asked her for the hundredth time that day, looking at her with such concern. She looked up from her science textbook which she was supposed to be studying from but all she had read was the first line of the section over and over and over again. Ashley Kerwin forced a smile, like she did so often, before saying, "Of course I am fine.". But, like always, Jimmy did not look convinced.

Despite how easy it was convincing herself that everything was fine, convincing everyone else was not going too well.

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Letter after letter was tossed into the trash can, without even a second glance.

Ellie could tell by the messing scrawl that it _was_ him. He had always had horrible handwriting. She was one of the only people who could read it. But, whenever she threw each letter into the trash can, she could not help but feel the urge to reach right back into that trash can and pull it right back out. And, every single time it became harder and harder to squelch that urge. Part of her, the part of her that had always been in love with Craig Manning no matter how many times he broke her heart, wanted to know what he would say. That part of her would daydream about what each letter would say. In her daydreams, they each professed his undying love for her and how that as soon as he got out of rehab he was going to leave girls like Manny behind and only be with her forever.

Of course, that was never going to happen.

The other, smart part of Ellie always made sure that the lovesick Ellie knew that was never going to happen. She did not want lovesick Ellie to be hurt again. It was practical, smart Ellie that was keeping her lovesick half from ripping open that letter and reading every word over and over and over again. The lovesick half had already forgiven Craig.

Practical Ellie knew better. She knew that if she even so much as sent Craig a letter that simply said, 'Hi', he would take it as a sign that it was okay for him to walk all over her again. All the letters probably were was just a bunch of apologies that were just lies. She told herself that every time a new letter arrived in the mail. Nothing special would be in those letters. Nothing.

Yet, one day, one of Craig's letters made its way into her hand instead of straight into the trash can. And, lovesick Ellie happened to be in control that day and she had been wanting to read one of those letters for a very long time. So, before she could even think of the consequences that would follow, she ripped that envelope open and read every word. And, then she read each word ten times over until she had the whole entire letter memorized while practical, smart Ellie was screaming bloody murder.

Maybe smart, practical Ellie had been wrong about Craig. Or, maybe lovesick Ellie was going to get both Ellies landed in a world of hurt all over again.


	2. Only as Bright

_**A/N: This one feels kinda short. TT I cut it off at what I thought was a good place to end it. Oh, just a heads up, this fic is going to have much more CrAsh than Crellie. Sorry, Crellie fans. / Anyway, reviews are appreciated loads. **_

_**Disclaimer: Don't own Degrassi. Don't own the lyrics in the chapter. **_

_And only as bright as you wanted me to be _

It was times like these that Craig could not help but feel totally and utterly depressed during. Times when nothing seemed to be going his way. First of all, he was stuck in rehab. Second of all, the girl who had said she loved him before she sent him off to rehab had not written him back. Third of all, he had a horrible hand cramp from writing letter after letter, only to crumple it up and throw it into the nearby trash can. Fourth of all, he kept missing the trash can. Fifth of all, he was feeling a great song coming on and he had no guitar to write it with.

His fingers twitched anxiously as he sat on the small, uncomfortable cot that was supposed to call a bed. He sighed. He usually spent his downtime writing to Ellie and everyone else who sent him letters, everyone else being Marco and Joey. Their letters were always full of 'Hang in there's and 'It will all be worth it's. Craig was sick of being told to hang in there and it will all be worth it. He just wanted to get out of this hell that was made up of white walls and lost souls.

Craig constantly worried that spending all this time around those people who seemed to have lost the will to live, those who seemed to be lost within the world of the living, would make him one of them too. When he first came to rehab, he thought he was different from them. He thought he was better. Why? Because he had someone back home who loved him and was going to write to him and was going to keep his spirits high. But, he soon found out she was not going to write back to him.

Maybe he was just like those lost souls. Maybe they all thought that someone was going to write back to them but, they never did.

As these even more depressing thoughts seeped into Craig's mind, he realized something; he still hadn't read the letter he had thought was from Ellie. He had just skimmed to see if it was her handwriting. Suddenly, he felt hopeful once more. Maybe Ellie could have gotten someone else to write it for her! A wide smile found its way onto his face and all dark thoughts were banished from his mind. He jumped off of his cot and snatched up the letter.

Within reading a couple words of the letter, Craig realized it wasn't from Marco or Joey or Ellie.

It was from Ashley Kerwin.

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She could not believe she had written him a letter. She could not even believe that she had walked all the way to the mailbox and actually mailed the letter. In fact, she still could not believe that she had called up Marco and asked him what the address of the rehab center was.

When it came down to it, Ashley Kerwin was not really herself anymore.

Yet, she continued to carry on like she always did. Carrying on meaning spending tine with her boyfriend, Jimmy, as if nothing was wrong. She tried to remember a time when kissing him came naturally to her and it was something she actually looked forward to instead of dreading.

It was during yet another one of these forced, awkward kisses that these thoughts tormented her. She felt Jimmy tense up and pull away from her, a confused frown distorting his usually very handsome features. She feigned innocence, though she didn't know why he pulled away, why their relationship was slowly crumbling.

"Ash. . ." he began, like he did so often, expecting that maybe talking would restore things to how they normally were.

"I wrote a letter to Craig."

The words came spilling out of her mouth without warning. She immediately regretted it as she saw the confused expression on Jimmy morph into an expression of anger. She looked away and shifted awkwardly on the couch of Jimmy's dorm. "You did what?" he said, in a tone of forced calm, rage bubbling under the surface.

How she wanted to rewind time and make everything how she wanted it to be. But, then again, if she could do that, she doubted that she and Jimmy would even be together to have this conversation. She would be with somebody different. She would be somebody different. And, she would not have to pretend anymore.

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Letters all bearing Craig's horrible handwriting lay on the couch, surrounding Ellie. She had read every letter. Every single one. Then, she read them all over again. And, within seconds, she was regretting pulling the letters out of the trash can and reading them. They said exactly what she thought they were going to say; that he was sorry, simple, empty words. He never asked if she was okay. He never actually stated how her hurt. He simply said, 'I am sorry for what I did,'. And never once did he write, 'I love you,'. He simply wrote, 'Love, Craig,', as if that actually meant something.

And, once again, Craig Manning had taken Ellie's hopeful heart and stomped on it.

The amazing thing was that he was able to do such a thing when he was in rehab, so far away from where she was. In a sudden burst of emotion, she grabbed the nearby paper shredder which Marco had been using to shred old bills only hours before, and began feeding letter after letter into the shredder.

And, with that, Eleanor Nash set out on her quest to fall out of love with Craig Manning.

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'Craig-

Marco told me about what happened. Ellie wouldn't talk to me about it. I assume that is a bad sign. I just wanted to know how you were holding up and if you are ever coming home.

Everyone misses you,

Ashley. '

The nineteen year old boy did not know what he was supposed to do with this letter. He had not spoken to Ashley in over a year and all of a sudden she was writing him a letter; a letter that stated that everyone missed him, everyone most likely including her. He ran his finger over the sentence that had Ellie's name in it as that horrible feeling of guilt set in like it always did whenever he thought of her.

Somehow, receiving a letter from the girl who left him did not fill him with anger and rage. He did not feel the urge to rip up that letter. Instead, he grabbed a nearby pen, the good pen that he always used to write Ellie's letters, and a piece of paper what hadn't already been written on and began to jot down the first couple words that came to his mind: Dear Ashley, I miss you too.

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"Ash. . . . . Just. . . . . Why?"

Jimmy seemed to be racking his mind for what to say. He was angry. So very angry. And it was all her fault. She wanted to apologize, as if apologizing would make everything go back to normal and he would forget about what she said.

As what her boyfriend said finally processed, she found herself also racking her mind for what to say because, honestly, she did not know why she had written that letter to Craig Manning. He looked at her intently, expecting her to come up with a good reason, a reason to make it all better, to make him feel as if this wasn't anything. And she had nothing to say to him.

Ashley jumped up from the couch and grabbed her coat from the nearby table it was sitting on in a sudden rush of anger. She pushed her arms through the sleeves of her jacket not even looking at Jimmy. "Where are you going? You didn't answered my question. Why did you send Craig that letter? I mean, you are making such a big deal out of it and that is what's making me worry." he said from his spot on the couch. She began buttoning her jacket, hoping that she could run out the door and avoid having to answer the question.

"It's nothing. I have to go, anyway. I have to get to sleep early. Big test tomorrow." she said hurriedly throwing her purse over her shoulder. Before Jimmy could say anything, she yanked the door open then slammed it shut behind her.

She did not want to actually try to think about why she sent that letter to Craig. She knew the answer. But, she simply could not accept it.

Ashley doubted she would never be able to accept the fact that she was still in love with Craig Manning.


End file.
